Some variation of were busy or we have plans works better. Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. The only exceptions are: 1. I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. Things have a funny way of working out. Going back to work? , I am in a cat trance. single. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. When I issue a soft invitation I am often not sure if the person wants to hang out at all, and getting a Yes, get in touch and let me know when youd like to do something would encourage me to go on and do the planning whereas Yeah, we really should I would be more likely to read as I dont really want to do anything. Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. My nightmare would be something like this: Them: My 6 year old daughter and her class are putting together a full rundown of the classic opera La Traviata in the original Italian and itll end at 11PM on a weekday. But I have wondered if I answer with imaginary bf and I have x-plans, if the questions would stop. If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. "It's going well.". What are you up to? for those I am not interested in carving out space for.). Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. My friends do it alllll the time. How about you? If they push after that, theyre admitting theyre either not listening or not respecting my feelings. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? That being said, in a couple of guys Ive dated in the last few years, Ive been amazed at how fast and how almost without me noticing they can go from planning and executing dates very well to somehow only being able to function if Im doing it. Absolutely, this too. But I dont ask them where theyre from, because its really none of my business; there are other kinds of small talk to make. ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. Though I am at the point where if my coworker invites me to Toastmasters one more time, Im just going to cheerfully say, You know, I just dont see myself ever being interested in that. (Though I dont think its likely in this case since the last invitation went something like: Hey, if youre interested, Toastmasters is going to be at [X] time and Im going to be speaking, Great, have fun with that!, I know what that means.). Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. Notice how it starts off with a light compliment. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. no one tries to rope me into something). I actually get this a lot from people who are actually trying to start conversations, rather than invite me somewhere. It's funny I don't even register the question "How are you?" (I've lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to "You alright?" which, functionally, isn't that different. People on a dating site who ask what youre up to on Thursday are not literally asking what youre doing Thursday. picked up a shift right off the bat. Yes, this. Like "How are you?" can be asked formally and informally, the response of that can be a unique one, too. They specifically mentioned 4 contexts where the asker then does go on to invite them to do something or asks for a favor. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. What you are currently doing. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. Me? Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. 1. And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. ), OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER? I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. What are you doing this weekend? I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. My belief is that its easier to layer politeness onto a firm foundation of self-aware no than it is to find no after being trained to be obliging. Nothing? To be honest, not good. You'll Get Eaten Last. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. I ask that question so I wont impose myself on someone by asking them to do something if they already have plans. Amazing what showering can do for you. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. I have to say that I get and have come to dread the variant Are we doing anything Saturday from my mom, who will use it to mean anything from I havent seen you in DAYS and I want to do something with you but dont want to impose by actually asking to I have received an invitation to something but dont want to desert you. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. It feels invasive what I do on my weekends is my business. "You know I can do this anytime.". As others have mentioned, if I say yes Im free and then they offer something I dont want, then I *really* feel the pressure to say yes because Ive already essentially told them I have nothing better to do. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. But a couple people have African-violeted me over this. In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. I have less than zero interest in tutoring kids that have no interest in the subject. They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. Ask back? I cant quite tell from your letter if thats the real issue, and I dont think there is any answer to the weekend question that will prevent you from sometimes having to say no to things when the other person wants you to say yes. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. Like oh youd rather do nothing at all than do this activity with me, wow., I wish I had better boundaries around that. I understand how it can be othering and I never ask anyone where theyre from first. And we do have fun and hang out occasionally. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?". What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. 3. (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon Photo: Funny Quotes. No useful data is exchanged, its just polite social grease to ease people along in their day without ignoring each other (which is definitely read as rude). (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. Why? Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. How am I right now? I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. This one is a bit tricky for me. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. Give small truths. Here we're providing you with some better ways to respond to when your partner or girlfriend says, I hate you when you know they say it jokingly. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? Your family is going to judge you for any serious answer you give anyway, so you might as well beat them to the criticism. But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. Jackpot! Its not so much about stopping the question before it comes (pretty much impossible!) It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. So the next time your phone rings you will be prepared. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. Then we give a quick heads up to each other in the event that the person asking (such as mother-in-laws) will then turn right around and call spouse. 3. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. No way. LW, in case youre feeling that so many comments along these lines invalidate your feelings about the question or imply that youre making a big deal out of nothing, I wanted to chime in to say that my reaction to reading your letter was an immediate OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER?!. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! Bye. Where are you from is often followed by no, where are you REALLY from which seeks to establish that you are a foreigner. It almost feels like if they just sneak up on me with some super fun plans I might say yes more often. She gets what crowds people like and is on point with inviting me to the right events. I have never had it used against me as an ableist term, but I will use a different word in the future. I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. Ok so Ive been wanting to go to this play, I was thinking of going to the Friday night show or the Saturday matinee, would you be interested in one of those dates?. I mountain bike every weekend! Because shes a family member. Yes, exactly. You're going to want to keep your messages quite a bit shorter on apps like Tinder and Bumble .) This applies in other areas of life too. Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. "Continue breathing." BTW, the most usual response to that last exchange is, "Works for me!" Depending upon the sophistication of the inquisitor, the final line may be "Continued respiration." Sponsored by Interview Success Formula Job interview secrets revealed. person: cool yep Feeding a giraffe. Depending on the purpose of the encounter, that might mark the end of the interaction or serve as an agreed-upon signal for one or the other or both parties to end the dance of content-free niceties and get to the point or commence the conducting of shared business. Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. I know whats best for me. If they continue after that, theyre super pushy and rude and Ill say as much. Whaaaaaat. In the case of friends and dates, I feel like sometimes its a slightly manipulative way of getting me to do the actual asking / planning. I would say something like:"what have you done with yours so that i can learn what to do or avoid.". A: Thanks, you too. I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. Call me. Does *your* phone not work? I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. The professor went to the restroom. 2. To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. This particular response though, is one of my favorite comments ever. I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. What did _you_ have in mind?. I mean, where are you REALLY from, but whats up is harder, since nothing/dont know tends to elicit a why not? or you should be/do more fun! And I dont know what to say to that, because no just seems rude and I didnt invite them to improve my life. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? And luckily the people asking me are perfectly able to graciously accept a No. How about you? to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. None of us see each other over weekends. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. "I'll get back to you once I'm back from my long-awaited trip to the fridge.". LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. Those non-negotiable things come up probably twice a month, at most. Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. Re #1, true that. I have trouble entertaining myself sometimes, I definitely dont want to try to entertain babies and pets. She's asking because she's interested in your plans specifically. ooh. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. If people cant come, you still have plans with the one friend! I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. Leisure time is notI give up my leisure time to hem her pants or help her move back from college or make her dinner. You're still implying you have a lot going on, but you're demonstrating that you're handling it. Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. Before people jump on this as reading too much into the situation, I want to point out that at in many, many cultures (I actually work on related research so Im familiar with a lot of academic studies on the topic), the preferred way to refuse a request for help is apology+reason e.g. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being. Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. And Im totally ok with that. As a young black woman in the US, she of course had been steeped in spotting such people her whole life. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. Shes moving and needs a van? Speak to US respectfully. Invitations are not commands. This might just be a difference in communication styles. So mostly I just want the question to go away lol, but since, as the Captain said, thats not likely to happen any time soon, I thought Id try to learn some better ways to navigate it, and again, all of your responses have been extremely helpful! Reply with 'Hey' Back. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. That stuff just wears on people. You would think, right? Many of your comments in this thread have, in fact. Also, that is very common; very few people I know can really remember everything they are doing for months ahead. Nothing very interesting. Tell me more! Of course I would never do this it would be returning the aggression but its a real puzzle to me. It's to funny for everybody. The most generic reply to a compliment is always going to be "thank you". "Spend some time this weekend on home improvement. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. Then one day I said to her you know, when you ask me my plans without saying what youre thinking of, it makes me really nervous because it feels like signing a blank cheque, and she said oh no, that wasnt my intention at all, I didnt want to make you feel bad by suggesting things if youre already busy and now if she wants to suggest a thing, she tells me straight off what the thing is. I have close friends that Ive been upfront with and say Im totally a hermit, but I do like to be invited to events and will make them sporadically. What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. So threatening to make her move out is just not wise. Going to mars where children don't ask questions. So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. THIS. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. And I mean, its legit to decide that youre willing to pay the cost, that youre okay with people deciding that you are unsociable or unfriendly or rude. Im planning an event on Day, are you free? 14 "It was a riot! Theyre private and you dont need to know them. We can debate all day whether that should be true, but it is. Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? What are you up to? It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. That would create some damage. I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. Alternatively were just going to have to start getting out of bed earlier so we dont run into them, but I suspect that if she realised we were doing that she might actually change her own schedule. Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! Me: Working. I find mildly-but-not-entirely-absurd stock answers to be a good distraction. Is everyone busy? Maybe actually I am just dealing with one of those people who force you to be blunt. No more Did I say sunday I meant saturday, now you have to change all your weekend plans ever again. They also influence how OFTEN. I get that I might not be asked to future events as well. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list. YES, THIS. - Anthony Burgess - Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week. Silly Friend: what are you doing this weekend? Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. It can be so hard to set boundaries with the inlaws! I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. So nowadays Ill say something like Im probably going to do [X], but thats not urgent if you want to hang out instead! or I need to do [X] but I have time for a quick dinner if youre interested. (People who are not the boything get oh, Ive got laundry because theres almost nobody else Im willing to make same-day plans with. For an acquaintance, depends. Your mother/father and I are going to X, would you like to come along?. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. That sounds weird coming from you. Yeah, I get that it is a soft invitation, but it also feels that the hard invitation has been tossed into my lap. Or they may feel social pressure to make conversation in the moment, and dont have any other topic at hand. The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. At least, it never has for me! B: Cool. Would it be possible for you in [date]. It gives the impression that Id rather do nothing than spend time with you or help you with something (which may very well be true, but is often not a conversation worth having). TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? I get that. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. If you have plans, just say so. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? Thats a way it can work, certainly, but why is it magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with no input if the person who first said lets hang out is then suggesting a time or activity, but something other than magically guessing if the person who first said lets hang out and is told yeah, we should is the one saying Saturdays are good for me, how about you? or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther? Its okay that I usually spend my weekends watching movies/playing videogames/reading and those arent shameful hobbies. Thats the way to go. Not always). Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. But that was fun and consensual for both parties. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. Him: You must be doing something. Can't complain. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. Nowadays I usually use The Captains great script: I do not know yet, I have to check my calendar. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. I'd Be Better if You Asked Me out If I Was Any Finer, I'd Be China Just treating it as a question of not disclosing/being private is entirely the wrong approach. Another interesting look at how varied cultural/regional norms and peoples own experiences can be. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. 2. Numbered point 4 specifically says LW doesnt understand why people are asking this, hence the many explanations of different reasons people ask, and while the possible manipulation is noted in numbered points 2 and 3, its not the only thing LW is asking about, while point 3 suggests to me that LW may well be reading manipulation into cases where people are just curious or are actually trying to do the planning themselves (by finding out if LW is even available for a possible activity), not trying to make zir do the planning, as ze suspects.
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